Hmmm. I'm thinking now, that I might be doing some hurtful things. I thought that it would be great to date as many guys as possible, with cuddling, but nothing too emotionally or physically serious. The no sex thing is definitely a good thing. I don't know if the guys want something serious or not though and I don't know how I feel about them either. I thought it would be a good thing to just casually date to give guys a chance and see if I like them, which I think is good still. I feel really bad when I realize that I don't like them though. I use to wait and see if I liked them for sure as more than friends before making a move or letting them make a move. Lately, I've gone out with any guy I thought I could possibly like now or in the future. It still sounds good to give guys a chance, but maybe I need a nice way to break up with them. I should also cut out all my cuddle-buddies. They're nice to have, but it would hurt any guy I might want to be more serious with. Although, if I don't have any real dating prospects and everyone knows it's just cuddling and causal, maybe that's ok. I thought I had that going. Then I realized that one of my friends wanted to be a cuddle buddy too, I kind of avoided him and then started making out with his friend- that's not good! Also, I think the guy I went out with tonight might want to date, but I realized I don't like him like that and that he's not leaving in a few weeks like I thought he was. And I don't know if one of my cuddle buddies really wants to date, or if he was just playing me by hinting about having a crush on me. I'm really liking this attention, it's great to finally have that again, but it's getting complicated. I think I need to have some honest chats with some people soon.

First of all- Some kids are annoying! I hate to say it. I don't want to say kids in general but, man, some kids are crazy. lol. My cousins are so wild! They pull on people and are constantly asking you to do things for them. If you're old enough to sew, you're old enough to put your jacket on yourself! Whenever I hang out with them I start to think about how great day-care sounds or even having pets instead of kids and maybe work at a day-care where you can leave work and have a nice kid-free evening and weekend. Maybe having your own kids is different. I think I still want kids someday, maybe, but not for a long time.

Update on boys:
1. Boy B emailed me and wants to fore sure hang out on Sunday. That's good news, maybe some closure there even though he's leaving soon.
2. Boy E and I have been hanging out a bit more. We watched a movie and cuddled a little. He fell asleep half way through the movie and I snuck out after it ended, lol.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

So, here's my interesting updates:
1. Boy A that I liked didn't return my call this weekend. He suggested we hang out on Monday. I told him to call me, but he didn't. I give up on him unless he actually makes more effort now.
2. Boy B who I like emailed me and said he wanted to hang out finally, but that he's not coming back after this semester.
3. Boy C I realize is way too insane to date.
4. I hung out and played Truth and Dare (without the dares) with a bunch of my friends. We found out that everyone in the group had a crush on at least one other person. They all tried to figure out who everyone's crushes are and it seems that the rush is on to beat the others to their crushes.
5. I kept hanging out with one of the boys (Boy D) I liked after Truth. We talked and eventually fell asleep in my bed, there was some mild running into each other but sadly no cuddling or kisses. I spent a total of 30 hours with him straight and didn't get annoyed or tired of him. I think he might like me back, he is pretty shy and it think it would take a lot for him to make any kind of move. He also not only hangs out when I ask him to places, but also takes the initiative to seek me out too.
6. Boy E told me that I was the one he had a crush on from the Truth game. He said it less bluntly though and I pretended like I didn't understand what he said, so I'd have time to figure that out. He told me that Boy D (the one I especially like) only wants a make out buddy right now and that there are tons of girls who like him. He told me that he was better than Boy D because he actually wants a girlfriend. He also told me that he gets attached to girls when he makes out with girls he likes and that his feelings might be hurt if a girl he likes uses him to make out with. I usually cuddle and make out with him without meaning anything, but after his conversation, I decided to wait and see if he would kiss me. We started cuddling and petting each other's arms and hair. It was really sweet. He turned in a little bit but never kissed me. He asked if he could spend the night. I told him that I needed to sleep alone to get enough sleep. He kissed me a couple times on the forehead and left. I think he might have said the bad things about Boy D because he knew that I liked both of them and he wants to me to go for him and not boy D. Interesting. :-)

I'm starting to get options, that's excellent. I was getting really lonely for a while. I don't know if any dating or relationship will occur with any of these guys, but it's looking good. At least I have some interesting things going on with some cool guys.

So, I was feeling social last night and wanted to go out. I heard about a really cool concert but other than that I had no plans. So I made my goal to be social and find nice guys to flirt with. I hung out with my friends for a while and realized that all the men were gay and it got boring playing dance dance revolution, lol. I went to the concert at the Mormon institute. Good concert. My friend got bored and wanted to leave though, so I didn't have a chance to flirt with any of the cute guys. Who doesn't meet anyone at a singles ward, Mormon church, on a Friday night?! lol. After that I took my friend home and went to my hippy friend's house for a party. Guys that were there: 1. thirteen year old, 2. Ex-con, 3. three gay men, 4. ex-boyfriend. I gave up on meeting any new guys around 1:30am. I went home, got into my pjs, and went to brush my teeth. I ran into a guy in the women's bathroom, lol. I laughed at him. (he was a nice guy who didn't want to walk to the boys side, which is understandable). He "accidentally" stumbled into my room thinking it was my neighbors room. He introduced himself and talked to me for a while. I'm not saying the drunk invasive boy is a great catch, but he was the most eligible boy I met that night. I think it's funny that of all the places I went to meet guys, the one guy I meet was in the women's bathroom. lol.

Yesterday was good fun. I got to hang out with some cool guys I don't usually get to hang out with. The two boys both offered to cuddle with me last night and had a cute game of using pick-up lines to try to win me over, lol. It got awkward when the girl who likes one of the guys came along to hang out at one point. We started to go home around 2am. I asked the one guy if he wanted to "watch movies" (cuddle basically). He said that he was too sleepy to cuddle that night. Ah! I'm going to assume it was to not hurt the other girl, but I don't know if he was thinking that deep. That's the second guy this month who prioritized sleep over making out with me! That's so sad. I think the first one didn't want to take things too far, so he used it as an excuse to not go further. This is assuming things though. It's like the male equivalent of a tease! I'm glad I have some cuddle-buddies now, but the boundaries and girl-codes are confusing. I also realized that more boys I like want to talk to me than I thought before. Other than boys, I'm getting tired of repressing so much. I'm getting annoyed being the girl that sits politely and listens to people tell me things about things I know more about, lol. Not many people actually listen to me EVER and a lot of people see me as the up-tight girl at parties. I felt like an old lady. Screw that though! I'm ready to act out again, lol. No more boring, psychoanalytical posts- I'm going to do some rebellious things and have interesting things to report. mmmhhhaaa. (And not just about boys- that's just been a major thing on my mind- but I will have some male and non-male interesting things to post soon I hope).

I went to see my grandparents yesterday. They totally rock! I talked to the a few hours and ate some home-made chicken and veggie soup. :-) She gave me some angel statues she bought for me and a huge bag of Halloween candy too.
I found out that my first boyfriend (ex-boyfriend now) admitted to my friend that he was an a**hole to me and that we were in different places at the time and that we are different and better people in a different place now. He wasn't even saying it to me as an apology (although he has before, which helped too), which makes me feel like it was more honest, because he wasn't saying it to the person directly hurt. It makes me happy that he actually admits to other people that we had dated and that I didn't deserve to be treated so badly and that he was sorry about it. I had already forgiven him for everything well over a year ago (and vise versa I think), and we've been able to be friends since, which I'm really glad about. Being so happy to hear what he had said made me realize how that's one of the biggest things that keeps me depressed after a relationship ending is that I feel like I wasn't good enough for them and that I won't be good enough for anyone else until I know I've grown and changed into something better than what I was with them. I know that's a bad way to look at it, but I do feel better knowing that he thinks I'm a better person now than I was then and that he still has respect for me.