Kaylan and I hung out last night. We hung out with one of Kaylan's friends. Here's how the conversation went:
Me: Yeah, so this creepy guy showed us this scary s/m porno...
Kaylan: Lisa! Yeah that's creepy, so um..
Alyssa: It's ok, I've heard a lot worse even though I'm 13, you don't have to sensor yourself.
Me: holy shit! Your 13? I thought you were 20!

wow, I can't believe that! I'm horrible at guessing age! But I guess some bartenders figured she was 21 and let her drink, so maye my mistake wasn't so bad. I remember what I was like at thirteen. I don't think I said anything I wouldn't have know then.

Kaylan and I drove around downtown last night. I really really needed to get out of the house! She and I both had a really creepy feeling though, like we needed to get out of downtown right away. We hadn't talked about it then, but it came up later and we both felt the same thing. It was really creepy. I drove her to a bunch of places that either freak me out or I feel have a really good energy and asked her to tell me what she though (before I told her how I felt). It turns out that we have a lot of the same feelings about certain places. We discused more psychic type feeling stuff. It was so much fun. I really needed to see people, other than my parents, and I really needed to get out of the house.

I got some fake chamgain and chips to bring to m friend keli's house for tonight. We're going to watch The Terminal, play with her brother's pet ferret, then watch the ball drop on tv.

I woke up this morning, put on my new nun outfit and went to check out horror and Armageddon films. I realized that I don't like watching romantic movies any more, I either think they seem fake or I find them depressing. I've noticed that people stand closer to you when you wear a nun outfit (especially old people). You get funny looks though when you rent horror films. lol. I watched The Day After Tomorrow. It was good. It kept my full attention the whole time and the dog didn’t die. The dog usually dies in those kind of movies. After the movie I had to be in the same room with my parents while I made myself dinner. I haven't been able to get through an entire meal with them without crying. This time they weren't even eating with me and still made me cry within 10 minutes of dinner. They left the house for a while to go out to dinner. I started to get into my car to drive, but I realized that I'd have to come back eventually and at least they aren't home, so I should stay. I've had three public break downs while being with my parents. I can usually control myself enough to not cry in front of them, but lately it's been too much. I was hoping to find some happiness here so I wouldn't be as upset about things in Grand Junction, but I that hasn't happen. I haven't found any more hope, inspiration, or moments of happiness or calm. I don't know what to do or think about anything anymore. I don't want to stay here, but there's too much stress in Grand Junction too. I worry that I won't be happy even if I leave both places, there will just be new reasons to be stressed out and sad. I think I will try to stay away from this house as much as possible. I don't care if I'm still sick, I need to get out. I don't know if there's much out there or if it will make me feel better, but it has to be better than here. I don’t want to be so caught up in my despair and problems. I concentrate too much on what’s going on now and I don’t think about the fact that there is more out there, more people, more things to look forward to. I worry that things will just get worse though. I want to forget about all of my problems here and in GJ for a while and see what(if there are) good things I can find in the world.

I woke up at 8am this morning to go to the physical/ pap smear/ blood appointment my mom made for me. My mom was being so nosy. She wouldn't tell me where the doctor's office was, so she had to take me. I decided not to fight her on it. I didn't want to have the blood test, but I hoped she would leave me alone for a while if I took it. I didn't tell the doctor about my cold because they tend to prescribe medicine too quickly. Mom was really mad about that and made me feel so bad that I cried in the car. I drank some tea and felt a lot better, turns out that I didn't need any medicine-and I was right.
She took my brother and I to get our car tires rotated. She was being so nozy and passive-agressively mean and controling of my brother (23 years old) that he stopped talking to her the whole time he was there. My mom bought me books, that's what she would do when I was little and had to get shots. I felt a bit better when I got away from her for a while.
I watched the movie Monster last night. It was pretty good. A bit disturbing of course, but still watchable. It's worth watching. It's interesting to hear about a female serial killer. The psychology of it was interesting.

I went to the new fabric store today. I got some fabric for a new skirt and some yarn for a new hat. Then I met my parents and grandparents at a Chinese restaurant for lunch. They complained a lot and were disrespectful to the waiters. They complained about the food, then ate most of my food (I couldn't eat their's b/c they order beef), then insulted the restaurant I worked for. Oh well, I'm just glad that they left today. I went to the library after that. I got a bunch of Asian studies books and some dvds. Dvds I watched last week:
1. Globe Trekker Vietnam (Awesome dvd!)
2. Spit fire grill (Good movie, better than most small town movies)

ah, I have a sinus infection/cold. I've slept a lot and sat around reading and playing Sims. My mom was being really cool the first couple days I was here. She only search my room once and I didn't have a set curfew. Now, I'm not sure. My brother's car broke down, so I woke up early and left at 8am to pick him up (so he would be here on time). But apparently that is a reason to punish your kids, so she made us wait a few hours to open our presents. I didn't care when we opened the presents, but that's a stupid reason to punish someone. I asked her why she was doing it, she said it was because we messed up her exact plans, so she would mess up our plans! wow. I'm sorry his car broke down!?

What I got for Christmas-

from Grandma- a hand made blanket

from Tara- an awesome scarf

from my brother- Ani Difranco dvd (which is awesome!) and a Sublime cd

from my parents- dvd player, Jason Mraz cd, Angelina Jolie memiors (lol) Spring, Summer, Winter, Fall, and Spring dvd, and some gift cards

Santa- chocolates, altoids, cough drops, and easy cheese

Wednesday-
My cousin had her birthday party. She turned 8. She's a sweet kid. It was a fun party. We ate pizza and cake and hung out. She got some really cool toys that I wanted to play with too, lol. I hope that she'll want me to play with the easy bake oven with her somtime. They were impressed that I could sing along to the Arthor theme song (I use to baby sit a lot). That was funny.

Thursday-
Tara and I went to Moab to see Vince. Tara made me an awesome scarf for Christmas! I was so glad that she came with me to Moab. We spent a couple nights there. We met some of Vince's friends and his parents, watched movies, hung out, etc. It was really fun. I wanted to go with everyone when they went last year, but I had to work.

Friday/Saturday/Sunday/Monday/Tuesday-
We took Tara back to Grand Junction, then Vince and I drove to Denver. I hung out with Vince, Zach, Cameo, Cameo's cousin (I don't know why I can't remember her name right now), and Jason. Vince, Zach, and I went to see Finding Neverland. It was awesome hanging out with everyone. I'm so glad that Vince camen to Grand Junction and Denver!
My family went to eat at the restaurant that my brother works at now. It's a really fancy restaurant. All the waiters came up to say hi to him. Everyone really likes him there, which is really cool. I'm proud of him for finding a really good job. I ordered the clam and shrimp linguini. After dinner, I went to the library and got as many movies and books as I could hold. I would have gotten more, but the library was closing. My brother and I hung out and bought Christmas gifts after that.

Origami
i am an all powerful amazon warrior
not just some sniveling girl
so no matter what i think i need
you know i can't possibly
have a need in this world
come and come for that sweet sweetness
i'll be your never ending vending machine
i could never need to be alone
never need to be my own
as much as you need your queen
i know men are delicate
origami creatures
who need women to unfold them
hold them when they cry
but i am tired of being your savior
and i am tired of telling you why
and since when did this me me me
become the be all and end all of me
oh listen to you talk to me
long time love has got to breathe, babe
you got to let it ebb and flow
if you want a ball to bounce
you gotta let it go
just let it go
i know men are delicate
origami creatures
who need women to unfold them
hold them when they cry
but i am tired of being your savior
and i am tired of telling you why

words and music by ani difranco © 2004 righteous babe music

Top 10 job aspirations:
1. Minister of my own cult
2. Orphanage worker in foreign country
3. Social researcher and author
4. Social work at battered wives shelter
5. Foster care and adoption social worker
6. Seamstress
7. Strom chasing photographer
8. Carpenter
9. Master craft women
10. Social studies teacher

So, I haven't posted in a long time. I'm trying to think of what's happened since the last post. I decided that I was too freaked out about the guys I'm dating. I dumped them all and decided not to go out with them again. (one was a pure asshole, one was ok but moody and I wasn't attracted to him, and the other one was too horny, boring, and I wasn't attracted to him). I decided from now on that it's so much better to have friends that become more, instead of the 1950s style dating. I want to get to know the person first before it becomes more. I hate the expectation of physical stuff even before I know them. I also would get a chance to find out if I like them like that without the pressure. I think people probably get hurt more by dating then by having friends that turn to more, because I wouldn't have dated them (and vise versa) if I had been friends with them first, and no one would have hard feelings because no one went out. Two of those guys would have been crappy friends too.
I also realized that there are a lot of crazy and annoying people in my life still. I had a moment where I realized that it was the last straw. I need to be assertive and also change my environment. I appreciate my sane, kind friends so much more now. I've been a lot happier this week, since I started hanging out with the good people more and avoiding the bad ones. That sounds like commons sense, but I was just trying to be nice to everyone before.


Yeah! Vince is coming soon! That's awesome! I'm so excited I don't even know what to say other than that's awesome he'll be here soon!!!!!