So, I have a happy update to the last post! I've been very frustrated with one of my groups of friends, but I think I'm learning how to not put up with the insults and backstabing gossip. I mostly stay out of it, not take sides, stand up for myself when it comes up, and not spend a whole lot of time with the really bad drama-queens. Also!!! I found a really cool group of people to hang out with! I met the one guy (Jacob) at Joel's house. He invited me to some of his parties and dinner parties. I started to go to those with Joel and some people. Then I found out that a whole bunch of the people I met through Jacob go to the same church that I like to go to, so I started to go with them. Jacob invited me to his dinner party tonght and some other girls had invited me to go to brunch with them. They are really cool people, very hippy, very open minded, talk about more intellectual things and do mroe productive things then a lot of people. I have a lot in common with them (social work, social issues, political ideas, tastes in books, etc). It so nice to have more than a group or two of people to hang out with. I feel like I'm learning what not to do socially from one of my groups of friends, how to act well socially from another group, and how to act better socially and as a person from the other group. It's good to have the separate groups too, if one group starts to get drama or starts to break up, then I can always go to a different group. I think that's one of the mistakes I made when I was in relationships- I would mostly hang out with my boyfriend and my boyfriend's friends. Then I became dependent on them even after the break up. So, I'm happy to say that my plan to find cool new friends is starting to go really well.

Wow, I really hate drama-queens who purposefully hurt people and are mean to their "friends". My group of friends at the begining of the year became disrespectful and mean to the point that I didn't want to be associated with them or hear most of what they have to say. So I started hanging out with nicer people who still gossip all the time and are occationally mean, but at least aren't as bad. I learned the other day that they like to complain but don't want to hear what I think. When I try to talk, they don't listen and leave in the middle of my sentence. I ask if they're mad at me or something and they tell me they didn't even realize I was talking!...? So now, I'm trying to stay out of it all, which is hard to do because they start to be mean to me when I don't play their stupid games. It's a relief to be able to go over to Joel, Tia, Bob, and Catherine's house to have an actual adult conversation that doesn't stab people in the back. We talk about polictics, make up handshakes and dances, talk about philosophy, etc. instead of what someone was writing about me on their live journal. If they don't like someone they put up with them or stop inviting them, end of story, they don't spend the energy it takes to purposely demean or sabatoge anyone. It's a nice change. I know I need to find a way to not be affected by the mean comments of the drama group and find a way to not be annoyed by them either. If I can find some other chill friends to spend some time with too, when Joel and them are busy that would be awesome too.

So, I had an interesting night. Three cute guys I know invited me to a party in the desert. I seriously considered but for some reason decided to go to my previously planned party. I had just recently met the one boy and I have a crush on him. He kept hugging me and touching my back. It was very amusing. I totally wanted to go to the desert and make out with him, lol. I resisted thinking that that might not be the best idea, especially since he's dating a sort of friend of mine.
So, then I went to the usual party at Joel's house. I burnt my eyebrows with a lighter on accident! Now I have blonde looking hairs on the top part of one of my eyebrows, lol. Then I ended up making out with the girl Joel has a crush on, lol. It was interesting. I don't think I'm attracted to her, then I got to thinking about it and I wasn't even sure I'm that attracted to very many girls at all. I think I'm still bi, lol. I've liked women and I can still think of some women I like. The whole time I was making out with her (both times, lol) I was thinking about how I felt when I was kissing guys and wishing I was kissing a guy. I wan't really into french kissing her and I didn't know where to touch her or how. (so it was really more just kissing then making out). It could be that I just don't like her, I mean, I was thinking about laundry the whole time I kissed Garet, lol. mmm laundry. She told me I could experiment with her if I want to. I really don't know if it's her or women in general (I know I'm repeating, I'm just really confused). I think I'd like to fool around with a woman sometime, but I don't think I'd want to experiment with her in perticular. It's been a long time since I've kissed a guy too and I don't know if I've just been in a weird freak out mood about dating, and I wonder if it would be as intense kissing a guy as it was before. Although I think it would be. I was wanting to totally jump on that guy earlier, lol. I told the girl that I'm confused and that it's nothing personal. I think it's confusing between us, but not totally weird. I guess I'll have to wait and see how all that goes.

Ex-boyfriend in town, felt lonely. Went to party. % of straight, single, non-compulsive liars, men who haven't cheated on me already= 0%. Felt sad the next day, went to party. One nice boy- 17 and has "behavioral issues" though. Sunday felt sad, didn't want to watch ex-boyfriend kissing his new girlfriend, wondering if he’s more romantic for her, if he’s different with her than he was with me, wishing I had someone to cuddle with again, wondering why he’s able to date nice people and why I’m still feeling too bad about myself to believe someone would want to be with me, wondering what he see's in her that he'd like better than me. I went to see other friends. We were talking about hypotheticals and my friends told me they can't see me ever having a husband in the future b/c I have major trust issues, and because of some other flaws they see in me. So in conclusion, I'm not very happy right now.