The week was full of work and what not. Then I went to the clubs for the first time of Thursday. I went with Zefer and some kids from Pride. It was fun but this one girl kept hitting on me. I really don't like her though. I was trying to be polite about it. She called me to apologize for hitting on me on Thursday. That's so sad! I don't mean for her to feel bad for hitting on me. I told her that I was flattered. She and I didn't talk about it after the clubs, she just knew that I was freak out because I was avoiding her a bit after.
I decided that I'm going to travel this summer. I'm going to live out of my car and travel the US. I'm going to sell stuff at craft fairs, Pride fest stuff, and other summer festivals. I think that'll be awesome. I know some people who have done that before and I've gotten some tips from them on how to do it.
I went to the usual party on Friday and last night. It was so crazy. On Friday, Farva got stupid drunk. He started throwing knives at the kitchen table. Jacob, Joel, and Farva nearly had to slash his tires because he was going to go for a drive. He also was being loud and hitting things and throwing bottles. On Saturday, I had fun organizing a psychological support group amongst the girls, lol. I found out about all their issues and medications they are on. This is the second or third time I've done that. My teacher made a joke that you know you are a sociology dork when you take sociology notes after parties. I wonder if this makes me a psychology dork, lol. Joel made out with Tara, then when she went for a walk, Joel decided to sleep Farva's girl in Farva's house! Joel wanted to know why everyone was so mad at him. I told him he was an F***ing a**hole and of coure they should be mad at him. He told me that I'm just anti-Joel and that my opinion didn't count. I told him that I was anti-Joel for good reasons. Farva was obviously hurt and sad. Tara was obviosly upset too. I was pissed off too, because he's doing all the same stupid Sh*t he's done to me and other people in the past except now he is tons worse. He's such a dick. Without being bitter from the past, this is why I don't like him now:
1. he makes fun of everyone constantly for everything
2. he's distant, off and on with his friendship/affection with everyone.
3. he doesn't listen to me when I'm scared because of stupid stuff he does.
4. he doesn't listen to me when I have anything to say.
5. he blatently uses people and is incredibly selfish.
6. he thinks he smarter than everyone else, and doesn't stupid things that now one else would do.
7. he's extremely manipulative.
8. He has proven himself to be such a jerk that no matter how good of a guy he is deep down, means nothing right now.

I'm feeling intirely bitter and pissed, especially at men. I've felt like that for many many months now. I thought I was maybe getting over that a little bit, but no, screw that. I'm so pissed at people. I love the people I've met as friends and I love my old friends of course. I'm so scared of dating and relationships. I don't want to do that anymore. I was happiest when I had politics and religion and didn't give a crap about anything else. There are two guys that I might like right now. One guy- I don't want to like because I don't understand him and I want to work out my issues before I date or even like him. The other guy is a nice guy I think, but I'm scare that I'll find out that the nicest guy I know is really a horrible jerk too. I need to figure stuff out. I want to be more pissed at Joel. I know that he's a huge jerk and that I should be pissed. But I also have such little faith in people that I doubt whether most people can be decent human beings. I'm not excluding myself when I say that everyone sucks, I'd be a hypocrit to say otherwise. I think my friends are cool (most of them) and I can see the good in people too, but I know now that I need to be more gaurded and untrusting of people. I need to not take sh*t from people. I'm realizing that I need to see people for who they are- not who they use to be or who they could be. That I should not date right now. I need to find good in people as friends right now, anything more would be too much. ok, I'm rambling. I'll write more once I've figured out what I mean to say.