My Grandma rocks! I love her. I helped her cook Easter dinner and hide eggs for my little cousins. My distant, semi-related Aunt Barb is hilarious (shocking but not inappropriate humor). Her husband Tom seems like a sweet guy. My Uncle Jay is always cool. Everyone else at Easter was awesome too. It was so nice to do old fashion stuff. I really want to buy a little country house on a small farming commune, build furniture, sew clothing, cook, sit on the patio and play folk music. Hmmm, that would be nice. I think it’s funny that my family has already started giving me pregnancy and child-rearing advice, lol. My aunt offered to set me up with a guy from church and offered to baby sit my future children already. Wow. I haven’t talked about any of that stuff, I think it’s because I’m almost 21 and that’s when they start talking to us about that stuff. (my cousin who’s a year older than me is getting married in a couple months- I think that got them thinking about it too).

I have a new favorite artist. It’s so different. http://www.ericzener.com/paintings.html

Top food cravings lately:
1. Soy beans (boiled in sea salt)
2. Chocolate (especially in solid form)
3. Green beans (fresh, cooked and uncooked)
4. My Grandma’s cheesy chicken spinach casserole
5. Spinach (fresh, cooked)
6. Fresh homemade rolls
7. Rice with veggies and olive oil
8. Chow Fun
9. Sushi
10. Bean burritos

I’m feeling really sad, but didn’t want to just complain or be dramatic about it.

The boy I like most this year tried to make out with me again but told me he doesn’t want a relationship with me, yet a couple days later got a girlfriend. That sucks. He’s either a liar (although, thank you for humoring me) or he’s stupid and doesn’t realize she has feelings too.

One of the boys who tried to have sex with me but doesn’t want anything more runs away from me whenever we’re alone because he’s worried about cheating on his girlfriend again and apparently was too drunk the time we made out to realize that I didn’t have sex with him.

I’ve realized that most boys who “like” me really just want to make out or sleep with me and don’t want a relationship with me. This is how I’ve pessimistically assumed most guys are like, so I’ve fortunately not let them get too far with me or for me to get too attached to them before I find out their intentions, no matter how “nice” I thought they were. I got to make out with guys on 4 occasions (I had a few more opportunities but didn’t take them) this year, but feel like they just used me. Two guys just did it out of horniness and one guy did it mostly for the ego boost of learning he can make out with a lot of girls. Hmm. I’ve realized it’s been a really long time since I had a boyfriend. I had boyfriends freshman year, I dated quite a bit last year with nothing serious, and I haven’t even really dated anyone this year (A couple ambiguous evenings that may have been dates, but didn’t go anywhere after he realized I actually had feelings for him). The only thing that has kept me from becoming more of a hermit are the facts that 1. I can’t be as invisible and non-existent as I had hoped, and 2. The loneliness that comes when you realize that you can’t make yourself happy be ignoring the world and trying to make yourself not want anything or anyone.