So, I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life, my future, work now, work in the future, family stuff, meaning of life, lifestyle stuff, blah blah blah. I've spent most of the last two days watching tv alone, watch tv with my brother, watching tv with my roommate. When I'm not doing that I'm thinking about what to eat, eating, or doing dishes. Other than that I work only two days a week, read some, play computer games, listen to talk radio, etc. I realized today that I'm really bored, being unproductive in every sense, feeling restless and unsatisfied, and getting kind of lonely. I haven't really felt lonely much this summer, which is really surprising. Last year at this time I was much much lonelier. I think I need to get out of the house more and talk to strangers more, lol. I've been really shy and self-conscious about going to coffee shops, hiking stuff, or anything else alone. I thought I did a lot of things alone last summer that I wasn't use to doing alone (movies, eating out, shopping, short road trips, etc.) but I realized that there are still a lot of things that I want to do and not many people to do them with. Most my friends live really far away and it would be a hassle if I ask them to meet me 45 minutes away to get some coffee. I don't know. I think I need to suck it up and have more confidence in myself and just go do those things and convince myself that people want to meet and talk to me. I think I'm cool. I have fun watching movies with me, eating dinner with me, etc, lol. I'd like to think someone else would too.
Also- I've been thinking about politics and what I'm doing with my life and politics. There are a lot of things that I really care about politically and socially that I don't know how to put into words and/or don't know what to do about them. Here's the brief history of my political agendas:
age 0-11: I started to learn what psychology was. I was really into different religion. Major spiritual questioning that brought me to what I basically believe now.
age 12-17: It started with the idea of never having to associate with men again- later to realize that I was a basically a lesbian separatist. Age 12-14 I had one of two male acquaintances, nothing more. I had a couple almost girl friends and basically everyone at school accused me of being a lesbian and I didn't deny it. After that I shaved my head a couple times, got into more punk/andro clothing. I was VP, one of the founders, and PR for the gay straight alliance of my high school. I went to leadership conferences for lgbt youth. I worked with other high schools' GSAs. I got really into gender politics. I got really into the politics and lifestyle of bigenderness. I went to Lady Fest Out West, Pridefest, Rainbow Alley, and other feminist/LGBT concerts, rallies, festivals, clubs, etc.
Age 17-20: I realized that I liked men a lot, lol. I came to except that fact. I also started working for and with men at work. I started making male friends, had some boyfriends. I realized that men are really cool too. I was VP of the GSA at college until it became too incredibly stressful. I started questioning if I wanted to dedicate so much of my time to that cause, especially with the circumstances of the clubs state. Especially after having mostly male friends and being so involved with my boyfriends and not being attracted to very many females at all I wondered if I wanted to continue my intense involvement with LGBT politics. So, I thought about what I cared about the most. I realized that feminism is definitely one of the top things. So, I started the feminist club. That was somewhat frustrating and I've been mostly set on not having it this year.

I was thinking though about trying to just make the club better. I can work on it all this summer and learn from what did and didn’t work next year. This is what I’ll be doing for many of my jobs in the future probably and I need to get use to disappointments and having to adjust and adapt things to make them work. I thought about the ways that I want to add things that aren’t traditionally considered feminist into the club. I tip toed around touchy subjects last year because I didn’t want to frighten anyone off. I think that’s crap though! They should be open-minded feminists- like they claim they are! I still don’t want to take a clear stand on abortion in the club- but lesbian rights is a freaking women’s issue! So are men’s issues. We shouldn’t ignore those. I thought about bringing up issues of poverty, media, humanitarianism, and other social movements up- but I wasn’t sure about the appropriateness of blending those things are. I thought about starting another club separate from the feminist club. I don’t know what it would be or what it would be about though. I decided to think about the things that I’ve cared about the most lately to see if that would give me a clue about where I want to take it. I went to the library a while back to get some feminist books, but I realized that I only came back with one book that had any relevance to women’s issues. The books I got had major themes. They were about- capitalism, advertisings effect of society/psychology, the effect technology is having on society, biotechnology, the effects of mass media, the structures and systems in American societies that don’t make sense, humanization, poverty, and comparative religions. I don’t know what kind of club I could make that incorporates those things in a way that can be productive and in a way that I can be helpful. I really don’t know if I know very much about those things and I absolutely don’t practice what I read or think about. How beautiful of a place to experiment with organizing people together than a college though! I don’t know when I’ll have a chance like this again to organize that many different people, with such great venues, and to be able to do so with relative ease. It’s so easy to start a club (once you know what you want to start and have done the work to make it successful). I know some places downtown where I can maybe get some info on this kind of thing and a few people to email and talk to. I can do some more research and dedicate my enormous amounts of free time to this. I was wanting a more fulfilling job than cutting pizzas, I think researching important issues in order to make them into a working club to organize people in would be a good cause. I’ll let you all know where I decide to take the clubs once I get more ideas. Finally, I feel like I’m actually doing something more useful this summer! I’ve been moping around feeling bad about myself and bored. I need some way to find myself and figure out how to be apart of things that mean a lot to me, even if that means creating those venues myself.
Thank you for reading to my very long rant. I feel a lot better now that I put all that to words. I hope it wasn’t too cheesy!